A Parent's Help

What Can Parents Do To Make The Fighting Stop?

As a parent you can:

* Recognize the reasons for the fighting and make up their minds that they will not tolerate it. It's not easy to stick to that resolution! However, many parents have found that sticking to that resolution is the most important factor in bringing peace to their home.

* Tell adolescents that while it's normal to have disagreements, the constant fighting upsets them and they value peace at home. They can say they will no longer be the judge and jury over the siblings' disputes and they will not stand for it! Then, they must stand by the resolution.

* Demonstrate that fighting would not get your attention and you would not get involved in the fight. Other parents have had success in imposing penalties for fighting, such as fines deducted from allowances or a certain amount of grounding for each fighter. These parents are showing adolescents the cost of fighting is higher than the reward.

* Set rules on physical violence. Make it clear to your children that physical violence is not allowed. Teen's that would never even think to touch another person, are usually the ones who will take the first swing at their brother or sister. Set up consequences before the act occurs.

* Spend some time alone with each child. Do something that they like. Everyone has their own talents and interests. Take the time to bring these out in each child. Try not to make one child's interest more important than the others.

* Give them a forum. If your teenagers know that there is a time and a place to air their grievances, they will use it. We use family nights after dinner during dessert. They need to air their grievances with respect to their sibling, but we do hear them out. No problem is too small.

* Recognize cooperative behavior. If your teenagers are able to work out a problem, take notice and give some praise. This will reinforce cooperation and help with future 'battles'.

Living with fighting adolescent siblings is not pleasant. If parents can remain calm in the face of battling teens, if they can retain their sense of humor and if they put up a determined and united front, they will find the war in their living room will end before long.

A Parent's Checklist

As a parent, do you:

* Set aside some time to be alone with each child?
* Recognize that each child is different?
* Make sure your adolescents realize they are each unique and have a special set of strengths?
* Praise adolescents for being who they are not just for what they can do?
* Avoid initiating competition among children?
* Realize adolescents and younger children need to be given the right to decide not to share at least some of the time?
* Be sure older children are not usually forced to give in to younger ones because "he's little" or "she doesn't know better?"
* Talk to the adolescents about their fighting?
* Believe there can be something good in sibling fighting?